Midwifing encompasses so many emotional experiences. Grief is one that many people would not really consider when entering the profession. Yes you know it can happen but when it is there in front of you waiting for you to act it brings up the many facets of being human.

When mama Denise and her husband were faced with carrying a baby who would have multiple problems at birth, meaning many surgeries with poor survival rates and questionable quality of life, they made the painful decision to allow their precious daughter to die peacefully after her birth.

As her midwife I took on the role of providing education, possibilities; of being a sounding board when she had information to share as well as for the feelings all this brought up for her. Knowing what I knew, in my heart I felt I knew what would be the best for her baby but would never tell her that since it was not my decision to make. I would support her regardless of what she needed to do. It is part of being a midwife, no matter what. I could never tell someone what to do but rather allow them to process what information they have so as to make a well-informed decision that felt right to them.

I saw her for her prenatal visits throughout the pregnancy. I remember her wishing she could still have her baby at the Cottage (she knew she did not want to birth at home) and I told her I would look into it. Not being sure where in our "rules" I would find such information, I was prepared to do everything possible to grant her wish. But she then decided against it. In her sweet voice that she has she told me she did not think a baby should die in that house, the Birth Cottage. That it is possible people in the community would hear about a death without knowing what it was all about and she just did not want that to happen. I was ok with that as well. I had not thought of that myself. I called Donna, a midwife who works at the hosptial and after talking with her back up the plan was put in place. We would have a hospital delivery.

The time came for Becca's birth. Denise called me to meet her at the hospital. After some frustrating issues with the admissions people we finally got a room and settled in. Donna had said that this was for us to do together but that she had to be present for the birth per hospital requirements. We were very fine with that of course. The labor was gentle, Denise being a quiet warrior. When it was time for the birth, she moved onto the bed.

Denise gently birthed her daughter into my hands and I placed Becca onto her mama's chest. It was quiet and sweet and loving. Denise sang to Becca at one point. I fought back more tears as I slipped into my roles, back and forth, midwife, mother, sister, human, to midwife again. Oh, what a moment, life and death within a short time.

I felt their moment was very sacred and decided to step outside. I came back in later, after being asked by Donna or(I can't remember who exactly) a nurse if I had a time of death. I was unsure if she had passed, so I said I would check on the baby. Her family was standing all around the bed, cutie pie River meeting her sister, someone was crying. With an infant stethoscope that I took from the radiant warmer and with permission from Denise, I placed the bell which I had warmed with my own body heat on Becca's chest and listened. I could not hear anything. I listened on several areas and there were no sounds from the chest at all. Becca did have a vagal movement (I think that is what they call it at the hospital) but soon after there were no movements at all. Denise looked wide-eyed at me asking with her gaze and I quietly shook my head, no. She seemed unsure, and I guess it was because Becca passed on so peacefully and because of those movements Denise had not known there was no longer a heartbeat.

After she openly grieved and was ready to move on, she asked that the baby be bathed and Becca was taken to a room at the other end of the Labor and Delivery area. After some time I decided to get down there and see what was taking so long. Becca was laying on a warmer, her skin so cold. But she was beautiful. I teared up as I saw her there, I felt she was lonely, so I wrapped her in the blankets they had under her and I held her. I rocked her. She had already been bathed and the nurses were putting some items in a small box, including pictures they took, but I just did not want her there all alone. I was pretty upset and the nurses were very kind. I finally took her back to her mama after telling the nurses her mama wanted her back.

Denise wanted to see the whole of her. I warned her that she will feel cold. Denise nodded ok. She touched her and crooned to her and told her she was beautiful. It was so moving; a mama who so LOVEd on her daughter. After some time, she was ready to let her go. Their initial goodbyes were done for now.

Denise was never checked after the birth; not even a blood pressure was done in all the time she was there. I checked her uterus, her bleeding had been even less than normal and Denise was ready to go home. We were all there only a few hours total.

Today, mama Denise published her story. She told me that when Becca died she did not find very much, stories from other parents who had gone through this experience and felt strongly that her story should be told and available to others who would want to know they were not alone. At 38 weeks pregnant with daughter number 3 now, she told her story. She was waiting for this, so that she could now be emotionally ready to receive Lizzie.

I told Layla many months ago that I would like to be there for this birth. I am pretty sure Denise would want that, although I am sure she would be fine with Layla as well. I just felt that a strong emotional connection was made with Becca's pregnancy and birth and hoped to still be a part of Denise's life. You know, not just clients get attached to their midwifes; midwifes also get attached to their clients. Hard to sever that bond after sharing such intimate moments. I am not just a midwife, but also a mother, sister, a human. <3

Here is the link to Denise's and Becca's birth:
http://rememberingbecca.blogspot.com/2011/09/beccas-story.html?showComment=1316490534325#c1022416302478572728

If you know of anyone who may need to read someone else's experience, please share. I am hoping that this story will be published in some site that deals primarily with these pregnancies and births.