Aging

I look in the mirror and see someone so different to the one I see in photographs. So I grab my camera and take several pictures, then study the skin, its lines, its placement and realize the effects of my aging. As a post-menopausal woman, I, like many others have learned or are learning the art of accepting the process that getting older has on our body, face and hair.
For the end of last year, as a part of this "acceptance" and because I was so tired of dealing with dying my hair and watching the white line of the new growth making me look like a skunk, I cut my hair. I called it the chop chop. After 4 or was it 5 cuts, I went from long dark hair to very short silver hair. WOW.
After months and months post-haircut, I started to believe the people who told me it actually made me look younger. Really? Silver hair? Short, like almost all women my age? UGH.... so hard to believe. But as I study my face in the mirror and smile to myself, I nod as an approval nod and walk away feeling better about the change.
This "change" is not about the loss of the menstrual blood, it is a psychological change.... but an acceptance.

Labs

One of my anxiety producing events is my periodical blood work, to keep up with my health. Layla drew my blood on Thursday and I was wishing results the next day. But the cancer marker takes more than a day to be processed, and I had a weekend to contend with. Seems that all 3 times before my caminos is when my labs are done, and always I wonder if the results will come back and I will not be able to go.
Cancer fucking sucks. Even though it was cut out of me, the chemo was completed and it's been 2 and a half years, I am still reminded every day from news story lines, my friend dying a couple of weeks ago, another friend newly diagnosed....
Several phone calls to my secretary and finally she tells me the results arrived. She faxed them to my home and I stood over that fax machine wishing it would print faster. Honestly, that is how it was for me.
First thing my eyes looked for was the column with the "abnormals". All good. Then I looked for CEA, my marker.... a smile came up and tears did as well...the numbers went down. Way down from my last time.
I tear up as I write this.

Today

So many thoughts and feelings today.
Grateful: TY to all the people who love my new "do"
Anger: At myself for not getting my paperwork done that had promised myself I would do.
Happy: at having met one of my forum friends who came by through Tallahassee.
Amazed: At the movie Slumdog Millionaire
Concerned: At how cold I get
Amused: at how my dog Shiloh knew I needed a kiss
Content: at having connected with the sun for an hour
Sad: that my friend is taking a turn for the worse.
Glad: she is surrounded by family.
Pissed: ha! That my son misses the toilet (still)
More emotions to come, for the day has not finished.