The road goes ever on and on,
Down from the door where it began,
Now far ahead the road has gone
And I must follow if I can.
Pursuing it with weary feet,
Until it meets some larger way,
Where many paths and errands meet,
And wither then? I cannot say.
-Tolkien: Lord of the Rings.
23 September 2011
20 September 2011
Midwifing encompasses so many emotional experiences. Grief is one that many people would not really consider when entering the profession. Yes you know it can happen but when it is there in front of you waiting for you to act it brings up the many facets of being human.
When mama Denise and her husband were faced with carrying a baby who would have multiple problems at birth, meaning many surgeries with poor survival rates and questionable quality of life, they made the painful decision to allow their precious daughter to die peacefully after her birth.
As her midwife I took on the role of providing education, possibilities; of being a sounding board when she had information to share as well as for the feelings all this brought up for her. Knowing what I knew, in my heart I felt I knew what would be the best for her baby but would never tell her that since it was not my decision to make. I would support her regardless of what she needed to do. It is part of being a midwife, no matter what. I could never tell someone what to do but rather allow them to process what information they have so as to make a well-informed decision that felt right to them.
I saw her for her prenatal visits throughout the pregnancy. I remember her wishing she could still have her baby at the Cottage (she knew she did not want to birth at home) and I told her I would look into it. Not being sure where in our "rules" I would find such information, I was prepared to do everything possible to grant her wish. But she then decided against it. In her sweet voice that she has she told me she did not think a baby should die in that house, the Birth Cottage. That it is possible people in the community would hear about a death without knowing what it was all about and she just did not want that to happen. I was ok with that as well. I had not thought of that myself. I called Donna, a midwife who works at the hosptial and after talking with her back up the plan was put in place. We would have a hospital delivery.
The time came for Becca's birth. Denise called me to meet her at the hospital. After some frustrating issues with the admissions people we finally got a room and settled in. Donna had said that this was for us to do together but that she had to be present for the birth per hospital requirements. We were very fine with that of course. The labor was gentle, Denise being a quiet warrior. When it was time for the birth, she moved onto the bed.
Denise gently birthed her daughter into my hands and I placed Becca onto her mama's chest. It was quiet and sweet and loving. Denise sang to Becca at one point. I fought back more tears as I slipped into my roles, back and forth, midwife, mother, sister, human, to midwife again. Oh, what a moment, life and death within a short time.
I felt their moment was very sacred and decided to step outside. I came back in later, after being asked by Donna or(I can't remember who exactly) a nurse if I had a time of death. I was unsure if she had passed, so I said I would check on the baby. Her family was standing all around the bed, cutie pie River meeting her sister, someone was crying. With an infant stethoscope that I took from the radiant warmer and with permission from Denise, I placed the bell which I had warmed with my own body heat on Becca's chest and listened. I could not hear anything. I listened on several areas and there were no sounds from the chest at all. Becca did have a vagal movement (I think that is what they call it at the hospital) but soon after there were no movements at all. Denise looked wide-eyed at me asking with her gaze and I quietly shook my head, no. She seemed unsure, and I guess it was because Becca passed on so peacefully and because of those movements Denise had not known there was no longer a heartbeat.
After she openly grieved and was ready to move on, she asked that the baby be bathed and Becca was taken to a room at the other end of the Labor and Delivery area. After some time I decided to get down there and see what was taking so long. Becca was laying on a warmer, her skin so cold. But she was beautiful. I teared up as I saw her there, I felt she was lonely, so I wrapped her in the blankets they had under her and I held her. I rocked her. She had already been bathed and the nurses were putting some items in a small box, including pictures they took, but I just did not want her there all alone. I was pretty upset and the nurses were very kind. I finally took her back to her mama after telling the nurses her mama wanted her back.
Denise wanted to see the whole of her. I warned her that she will feel cold. Denise nodded ok. She touched her and crooned to her and told her she was beautiful. It was so moving; a mama who so LOVEd on her daughter. After some time, she was ready to let her go. Their initial goodbyes were done for now.
Denise was never checked after the birth; not even a blood pressure was done in all the time she was there. I checked her uterus, her bleeding had been even less than normal and Denise was ready to go home. We were all there only a few hours total.
Today, mama Denise published her story. She told me that when Becca died she did not find very much, stories from other parents who had gone through this experience and felt strongly that her story should be told and available to others who would want to know they were not alone. At 38 weeks pregnant with daughter number 3 now, she told her story. She was waiting for this, so that she could now be emotionally ready to receive Lizzie.
I told Layla many months ago that I would like to be there for this birth. I am pretty sure Denise would want that, although I am sure she would be fine with Layla as well. I just felt that a strong emotional connection was made with Becca's pregnancy and birth and hoped to still be a part of Denise's life. You know, not just clients get attached to their midwifes; midwifes also get attached to their clients. Hard to sever that bond after sharing such intimate moments. I am not just a midwife, but also a mother, sister, a human. <3
Here is the link to Denise's and Becca's birth:
http://rememberingbecca.blogspot.com/2011/09/beccas-story.html?showComment=1316490534325#c1022416302478572728
If you know of anyone who may need to read someone else's experience, please share. I am hoping that this story will be published in some site that deals primarily with these pregnancies and births.
When mama Denise and her husband were faced with carrying a baby who would have multiple problems at birth, meaning many surgeries with poor survival rates and questionable quality of life, they made the painful decision to allow their precious daughter to die peacefully after her birth.
As her midwife I took on the role of providing education, possibilities; of being a sounding board when she had information to share as well as for the feelings all this brought up for her. Knowing what I knew, in my heart I felt I knew what would be the best for her baby but would never tell her that since it was not my decision to make. I would support her regardless of what she needed to do. It is part of being a midwife, no matter what. I could never tell someone what to do but rather allow them to process what information they have so as to make a well-informed decision that felt right to them.
I saw her for her prenatal visits throughout the pregnancy. I remember her wishing she could still have her baby at the Cottage (she knew she did not want to birth at home) and I told her I would look into it. Not being sure where in our "rules" I would find such information, I was prepared to do everything possible to grant her wish. But she then decided against it. In her sweet voice that she has she told me she did not think a baby should die in that house, the Birth Cottage. That it is possible people in the community would hear about a death without knowing what it was all about and she just did not want that to happen. I was ok with that as well. I had not thought of that myself. I called Donna, a midwife who works at the hosptial and after talking with her back up the plan was put in place. We would have a hospital delivery.
The time came for Becca's birth. Denise called me to meet her at the hospital. After some frustrating issues with the admissions people we finally got a room and settled in. Donna had said that this was for us to do together but that she had to be present for the birth per hospital requirements. We were very fine with that of course. The labor was gentle, Denise being a quiet warrior. When it was time for the birth, she moved onto the bed.
Denise gently birthed her daughter into my hands and I placed Becca onto her mama's chest. It was quiet and sweet and loving. Denise sang to Becca at one point. I fought back more tears as I slipped into my roles, back and forth, midwife, mother, sister, human, to midwife again. Oh, what a moment, life and death within a short time.
I felt their moment was very sacred and decided to step outside. I came back in later, after being asked by Donna or(I can't remember who exactly) a nurse if I had a time of death. I was unsure if she had passed, so I said I would check on the baby. Her family was standing all around the bed, cutie pie River meeting her sister, someone was crying. With an infant stethoscope that I took from the radiant warmer and with permission from Denise, I placed the bell which I had warmed with my own body heat on Becca's chest and listened. I could not hear anything. I listened on several areas and there were no sounds from the chest at all. Becca did have a vagal movement (I think that is what they call it at the hospital) but soon after there were no movements at all. Denise looked wide-eyed at me asking with her gaze and I quietly shook my head, no. She seemed unsure, and I guess it was because Becca passed on so peacefully and because of those movements Denise had not known there was no longer a heartbeat.
After she openly grieved and was ready to move on, she asked that the baby be bathed and Becca was taken to a room at the other end of the Labor and Delivery area. After some time I decided to get down there and see what was taking so long. Becca was laying on a warmer, her skin so cold. But she was beautiful. I teared up as I saw her there, I felt she was lonely, so I wrapped her in the blankets they had under her and I held her. I rocked her. She had already been bathed and the nurses were putting some items in a small box, including pictures they took, but I just did not want her there all alone. I was pretty upset and the nurses were very kind. I finally took her back to her mama after telling the nurses her mama wanted her back.
Denise wanted to see the whole of her. I warned her that she will feel cold. Denise nodded ok. She touched her and crooned to her and told her she was beautiful. It was so moving; a mama who so LOVEd on her daughter. After some time, she was ready to let her go. Their initial goodbyes were done for now.
Denise was never checked after the birth; not even a blood pressure was done in all the time she was there. I checked her uterus, her bleeding had been even less than normal and Denise was ready to go home. We were all there only a few hours total.
Today, mama Denise published her story. She told me that when Becca died she did not find very much, stories from other parents who had gone through this experience and felt strongly that her story should be told and available to others who would want to know they were not alone. At 38 weeks pregnant with daughter number 3 now, she told her story. She was waiting for this, so that she could now be emotionally ready to receive Lizzie.
I told Layla many months ago that I would like to be there for this birth. I am pretty sure Denise would want that, although I am sure she would be fine with Layla as well. I just felt that a strong emotional connection was made with Becca's pregnancy and birth and hoped to still be a part of Denise's life. You know, not just clients get attached to their midwifes; midwifes also get attached to their clients. Hard to sever that bond after sharing such intimate moments. I am not just a midwife, but also a mother, sister, a human. <3
Here is the link to Denise's and Becca's birth:
http://rememberingbecca.blogspot.com/2011/09/beccas-story.html?showComment=1316490534325#c1022416302478572728
If you know of anyone who may need to read someone else's experience, please share. I am hoping that this story will be published in some site that deals primarily with these pregnancies and births.
15 September 2011
I don't like going to work on Thursdays. It is only Desiree and I. For some reason, we get very little done. It takes a lot for me to get going and with the incessant chatter between us, my mind never settles on any one project. I then suddenly jump into one of the many things that need to get done and when finished, it is a great sense of having accomplished something. I would like that to be more my habit than not. I shall work on that.
A client whom I adore might not be able to deliver with us. I hope this baby turns head down. I hope her contractions stop now. I hope she is not in preterm labor.
I need to find my health records. A very important anniversary is coming up.
A storm approaches, fleeting, but it sure felt wonderful.
I LOVE being outside as a storm approaches. The cicadas become quiet, replaced by the sounds of leaves blowing side to side, gentle rumblings of thunder, far away. The sky becomes darker, the colors vivid. The smell of faraway rain, wet ground. The air, warm, circling through the trees and down to me, my hair blowing. Sensuous storm, enveloping me, thank you.
Do I really want MOG? I am restraining myself from my impulsiveness to get into something I may not really need. I may want it, but not need it. I sure LOVE technology, though.
Melinda is now in Ft Walton Beach, housesitting. I am looking forward to having her stay here before she goes to Spain to housesit there.
My first class of Yoga was today. My wrists are feeling it. They are not very strong and with all this extra weight, well, they're really feeling it. The teacher, whose name I don't know yet, is very good. I really like her style. Gentle words, well explained. Opening the heart.
Brother Sal is leaving tomorrow for another of his many cruises. Guess I will have a respite from his nightly phone calls. LOVE him ;)
A client whom I adore might not be able to deliver with us. I hope this baby turns head down. I hope her contractions stop now. I hope she is not in preterm labor.
I need to find my health records. A very important anniversary is coming up.
A storm approaches, fleeting, but it sure felt wonderful.
I LOVE being outside as a storm approaches. The cicadas become quiet, replaced by the sounds of leaves blowing side to side, gentle rumblings of thunder, far away. The sky becomes darker, the colors vivid. The smell of faraway rain, wet ground. The air, warm, circling through the trees and down to me, my hair blowing. Sensuous storm, enveloping me, thank you.
Do I really want MOG? I am restraining myself from my impulsiveness to get into something I may not really need. I may want it, but not need it. I sure LOVE technology, though.
Melinda is now in Ft Walton Beach, housesitting. I am looking forward to having her stay here before she goes to Spain to housesit there.
My first class of Yoga was today. My wrists are feeling it. They are not very strong and with all this extra weight, well, they're really feeling it. The teacher, whose name I don't know yet, is very good. I really like her style. Gentle words, well explained. Opening the heart.
Brother Sal is leaving tomorrow for another of his many cruises. Guess I will have a respite from his nightly phone calls. LOVE him ;)
04 September 2011
Panty Hoarder?
Well, it's not really my fault. It's my ex-husband's.
Mariano could not help himself. There was one thing he so enjoyed and that was to gift me panties. I would go to bed and as my hand slipped under my pillow there would be something there, soft or lacey or satiny. Or I would head to bed and there it was, nicely laid out on the pillow.
It there was a bra with it, he would carefully present it on the bed, with maybe a rose next to it. They would be in my purse, in the metal box of the steps at the Birth Cottage, on the seat of my car, hanging on the towel rack so that as I grabbed my towel after showering, it would be there.
Trying to remember now all the places he would leave them. hmmm. There were many and always a sweet surprise. Often they would have a little note with it. I will withhold what some of those said. Sometimes he would phone me to let me know he had something for me and no doubt, it would be panties. He just couldn't wait to give them to me.
So.... over the years, and because panties do not wear down that quickly, and especially since I had so many of them, I had to start bagging them and put them in the closet, for my drawer could not hold but maybe 50 at a time. I even had a Tupperware bin on the top shelf in my closet overflowing with them.
There were many sizes. Mostly because he had some idea what size my butt was, but did not always guess correctly. Besides, my butt size changed many times over the many years we were together. So I also had them stored by size (of course those were the too small ones in hope someday I would fit into them). I remember ones he bought that would fit an elephant but they were sooooo sexy. Baby blue lacy thong it was. Never wore that one.
Eventually I decided that with the hundreds that I had I should get rid of some. All the small ones, which still had tags, I gave to my daughter. She liked them.
The way too large ones I simply threw away. I could not offer them to anyone. But the one thing I did do....hahahha... was to decide and did wear the older ones or the ones I did not like as much, once, and then throw them away. I did this for a little over 3 months. For real!!
And yeah, they were typically sexy. Some were a little conservative, but I assure you there were no granny panties in that drawer. Flowery, white, black, purple, see-through, solid, encompassing my buttocks, or up my buttocks' crack. Comfy and some not so comfy.
His line was usually the same.... "I want to take those off of you". One thing about him...he was very in lust with me.
I don't recall ever buying myself any underwear while we were together. The other day I bought 6 pairs, although I did not really need them, because I liked the pattern and style. Yeah, panty styles have changed over the years. I have some cute ones now along with all those sexy ones.
Well now I am down to a manageable amount. I did not count them, but they are stuffed into that drawer.
I wonder how long before I will be down to what I guess would be a normal amount, say 30???
Mariano could not help himself. There was one thing he so enjoyed and that was to gift me panties. I would go to bed and as my hand slipped under my pillow there would be something there, soft or lacey or satiny. Or I would head to bed and there it was, nicely laid out on the pillow.
It there was a bra with it, he would carefully present it on the bed, with maybe a rose next to it. They would be in my purse, in the metal box of the steps at the Birth Cottage, on the seat of my car, hanging on the towel rack so that as I grabbed my towel after showering, it would be there.
Trying to remember now all the places he would leave them. hmmm. There were many and always a sweet surprise. Often they would have a little note with it. I will withhold what some of those said. Sometimes he would phone me to let me know he had something for me and no doubt, it would be panties. He just couldn't wait to give them to me.
So.... over the years, and because panties do not wear down that quickly, and especially since I had so many of them, I had to start bagging them and put them in the closet, for my drawer could not hold but maybe 50 at a time. I even had a Tupperware bin on the top shelf in my closet overflowing with them.
There were many sizes. Mostly because he had some idea what size my butt was, but did not always guess correctly. Besides, my butt size changed many times over the many years we were together. So I also had them stored by size (of course those were the too small ones in hope someday I would fit into them). I remember ones he bought that would fit an elephant but they were sooooo sexy. Baby blue lacy thong it was. Never wore that one.
Eventually I decided that with the hundreds that I had I should get rid of some. All the small ones, which still had tags, I gave to my daughter. She liked them.
The way too large ones I simply threw away. I could not offer them to anyone. But the one thing I did do....hahahha... was to decide and did wear the older ones or the ones I did not like as much, once, and then throw them away. I did this for a little over 3 months. For real!!
And yeah, they were typically sexy. Some were a little conservative, but I assure you there were no granny panties in that drawer. Flowery, white, black, purple, see-through, solid, encompassing my buttocks, or up my buttocks' crack. Comfy and some not so comfy.
His line was usually the same.... "I want to take those off of you". One thing about him...he was very in lust with me.
Well now I am down to a manageable amount. I did not count them, but they are stuffed into that drawer.
I wonder how long before I will be down to what I guess would be a normal amount, say 30???
03 September 2011
Saturday
Saturdays are those days where I don't know what to do. I am on call, so that narrows things down to a geographical area.
Thanks to my client, Jenny, who gave me a gift certificate for a massage, I feel very relaxed from the get-go. My appointment was at 915am which did require an early start. Not what one would expect to have to do on a day where one can sleep in. But my sleep had already been broken up as my phone went off during the night with a text from my friend Siegfried in Germany, thanking me for a card and photos I sent. I guess he forgets we are 6 hours apart??
Anyway, thanks so much Jess for a strong massage. I do enjoy relaxing massages but my lower back has been giving me a bit of a fit lately (normal midwifery aches) and I needed that firmness. Her office has a quiet elegance and she tells me how she found all her furnishings and decorated it herself. Jess is looking for an adventure and I told her about the Camino; I think she's interested. Nothing like it, Jess.
So I left much more limber and as I had to drive through downtown, I saw the farmer's market in action and decided to stop. But first what caught my eye is part of the Park Avenue parks, one specifically that has those oaks that I have come to LOVE so much about Tallahassee. I parked and sat on the grass for a moment until there was no one left and took advantage of that quietness and took a few pictures. The bench at the base of one of the trees makes me imagine an elderly couple sitting there which would have made the moment even better. But it was LOVEly anyway. When a mini-van full of kids rode up and they all got out, that moment was finished.
I went to the Farmer's Market and strolled through all the stands. There is less "farmer" and more artists at this market selling their wares. Since I have made a decision to lighten my load, I admired but did not buy anything. Sometimes that is difficult, especially since I tend to be a little impulsive and yeah, there were mermaids there!! I did pick up some veggies. Which, in the long run, were more expensive than shopping at my local Publix.
Oh well, it added to the moment. And as is common in Tallahassee, I first stopped at the booth of one of my mamas, who makes pretty jewelry. She had given Layla and me a bracelet when her baby was born, as a thank you gift and today her wares were even more beautiful as the years helped her hone her skills. She showed me pictures of Sevin, who is now 10 and beautiful. While standing there, I got a little pinch, turned around and there was papa Dean who called mama Blair and baby Hannah to say hello. I had just seen Blair and Hannah yesterday at the Cottage when she came in to buy a Maya baby sling and I showed her how to use it, but here we were together again. And another moment later, I see my next mama who is due, Sarah and her big, round belly, with her 2 boys and my niece, Desiree. We laughed at running into each other there. Ya, that is Tallahassee.
I hardly go out anymore and this was a small reminder that I should get out more often?
Thanks to my client, Jenny, who gave me a gift certificate for a massage, I feel very relaxed from the get-go. My appointment was at 915am which did require an early start. Not what one would expect to have to do on a day where one can sleep in. But my sleep had already been broken up as my phone went off during the night with a text from my friend Siegfried in Germany, thanking me for a card and photos I sent. I guess he forgets we are 6 hours apart??
Anyway, thanks so much Jess for a strong massage. I do enjoy relaxing massages but my lower back has been giving me a bit of a fit lately (normal midwifery aches) and I needed that firmness. Her office has a quiet elegance and she tells me how she found all her furnishings and decorated it herself. Jess is looking for an adventure and I told her about the Camino; I think she's interested. Nothing like it, Jess.
So I left much more limber and as I had to drive through downtown, I saw the farmer's market in action and decided to stop. But first what caught my eye is part of the Park Avenue parks, one specifically that has those oaks that I have come to LOVE so much about Tallahassee. I parked and sat on the grass for a moment until there was no one left and took advantage of that quietness and took a few pictures. The bench at the base of one of the trees makes me imagine an elderly couple sitting there which would have made the moment even better. But it was LOVEly anyway. When a mini-van full of kids rode up and they all got out, that moment was finished.
I went to the Farmer's Market and strolled through all the stands. There is less "farmer" and more artists at this market selling their wares. Since I have made a decision to lighten my load, I admired but did not buy anything. Sometimes that is difficult, especially since I tend to be a little impulsive and yeah, there were mermaids there!! I did pick up some veggies. Which, in the long run, were more expensive than shopping at my local Publix.
Oh well, it added to the moment. And as is common in Tallahassee, I first stopped at the booth of one of my mamas, who makes pretty jewelry. She had given Layla and me a bracelet when her baby was born, as a thank you gift and today her wares were even more beautiful as the years helped her hone her skills. She showed me pictures of Sevin, who is now 10 and beautiful. While standing there, I got a little pinch, turned around and there was papa Dean who called mama Blair and baby Hannah to say hello. I had just seen Blair and Hannah yesterday at the Cottage when she came in to buy a Maya baby sling and I showed her how to use it, but here we were together again. And another moment later, I see my next mama who is due, Sarah and her big, round belly, with her 2 boys and my niece, Desiree. We laughed at running into each other there. Ya, that is Tallahassee.
I hardly go out anymore and this was a small reminder that I should get out more often?
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