A Grateful Month

November 1 - Grateful for..... the trust I receive from my clients. It has been quite a month of difficult pregnancies and births. Talking and talking and talking and processing.... and then.... clarity. Peace. That happened today for one of my mamas. May she feel ready now and let go and birth. OMG! I almost forgot to say how grateful I am that this birth center has a birthday today. 30 years ago our first baby was born at the sweet home on 6th avenue. A few thousand babies later and it's still going strong. I think this deserves a whole blog entry. But maybe another time.

November 2 - Grateful for.... the knowledge shared by Jen regarding VBAC. She was an excellent speaker and I felt very engaged. Grateful for Kristen for putting together the workshop. Later I was grateful to the Noles and Canes for an exciting football game. It's the only football I watch.

November 3 - Grateful for the amazing displays our skies create every day. Today there is a solar eclipse. We just got a partial, but in Africa, they got to see it complete. And how about that extra hour of sleep? Thankful for sure

November 4 - Grateful for my first-born, my daughter, Layla Marie, who arrived late last night from her well-deserved vacation and immediately took call at midnight, relieving me from a busy week of births and clinic and post-partum. She has given me so much as a midwife partner! To say yes to my request to leave for months to either do a vacation or my most recent 3 month stint in Cambodia, is quite the gift. She is very able to take over the Birth Cottage's births and clinic. Thank You, my LOVE, for being there for me in so many ways (not just the midwife part I just wrote about).

November 5 - Grateful for the organizations that made it possible for me to travel to Cambodia. NaiY with Women's Health Cambodia, Denise with Life Options and Sarah with Midwife International. It is an experience that has touched me deeply. I think about that place several times a day and as each day passes, I wish more and more to be there. Sigh!

November 6 - Grateful for flowers. They adorn my life. Everywhere I look I spot them. They bring me life. I want them in my home, in my yard, in my workplace, in my hair!

November 7 - Grateful for my second-born, who through difficult moments, has pushed himself to become better and better. He has 2 of my adorable grandsons, Noah and Owen, and a wonderful wife Amy, who is mom to Olivia and Simian. The mind of this child is amazing, with a memory like no other, intelligence, intuition, tenderness and commitment to what is real. I LOVE you so much, Kristopher Michael!

November 8 - Grateful for a fine, fine birth today. A mama who had to go through the medical system which was readying her for a hospital induction due to the going past her due date and being told she had a large baby. Instead she had a perfect sized baby for her and she is happy-happy! And that makes me happy. And today I am also happy for the electrician who is getting our place ready for a beautiful fountain that will be installed next week.

November 9 - Grateful for my fun/silly niece Desiree Tony's daughter. She helps us out at the Cottage a lot. She makes me laugh, she makes me mad, she makes me LOVE her, she makes me play Yoville! Took her shopping today so she could buy herself some nice clothes with the gift card she got from her mom. We had fun! EarthFare for dinner. We made some good deals at JC Penney's.

November 10 - Grateful for yummy food that I cook myself. I like to cook although it is difficult cooking for one. Sometimes it means leftovers that I must eat for a couple more days. I don't really mind, since it's so good. So, I am grateful for cooking too.

November 11 - Grateful for the ability to make money. Seems materialistic but I am proud that I am able to support myself as well as continue to help my children, my community and my world with the money I make. I am proud I have been able to not expect in return what I give out. I sent money to Leon in China to help him out of "a pickle". With pleasure I made that money reach his hands. I may not be rich (monetarily)but I have all I need and more. I like to beautify my homes, my business, my car in ways that give them warmth and I purchase usually impulsively things that add to the beauty. Today as I waited for a baby to be born, workers from Tallahassee Nurseries brought a fountain and installed it in our front yard at the Birth Cottage. Its water makes a gentle sound that could put anyone to sleep (if they chose to sleep outside, hahha)and it has a simple beauty to it. I can't wait for the flowers around it to nestle it into our garden.

November 12 - Grateful for sleep. I mean a good sleep! After losing many hours two nights ago and losing all hours last night due to a birth I attended, I finally crashed thinking a couple of hours and I can then attend clinic. But.... Layla and Desiree managed to keep me in bed, missing breakfast, clinic, lunch, more clinic, all which were covered by them. Woke up at almost 3pm and honestly I was so grateful to them for letting me sleep. I did hear a few women going to the bathroom but it did not really wake me up. Sleep deprivation I can usually master if I have to but when I don't have to, I LOVE it!!

November 13 - Grateful for the few friends I have. We may not connect on a regular basis but when we do it's like we had just chatted recently. I was given the honor of being Best Woman at my friend Summer's wedding and the LOVE that I felt from her was more intense than I had been aware of. Our friendship is timeless. I wish I had a couple more like her in my life but alas, people come people go, and who I still have in my life are a treasure to me. LOVE!!

The Lady of Shalott

The 3rd painting I am posting of The Lady of Shalott by Waterhouse brought me to this poem by Tennyson. I immediately LOVEd it. For me.

Part 1
On either side the river lie
Long fields of barley and of rye,
That clothe the wold and meet the sky;
And thro' the field the road runs by
To many-tower'd Camelot;
And up and down the people go,
Gazing where the lilies blow
Round an island there below,
The island of Shallot.

Willows whiten, aspens quiver,
Little breezes dusk and shiver
Thro' the wave that runs for ever
By the island in the river
Flowing down to Camelot.
Four gray walls, and four gray towers,
Overlook a space of flowers,
And the silent isle imbowers
The Lady of Shallot.

By the margin, willow veil'd,
Slide the heavy barges trail'd
By slow horses; and unhail'd
The shallop flitteth silken-sail'd
Skimming down to Camelot:
But who hath seen her wave her hand?
Or at the casement seen her stand?
Or is she known in all the land,
The Lady of Shallot?

Only reapers, reaping early
In among the bearded barley,
Hear a song that echoes cheerly
From the river winding clearly,
Down to tower'd Camelot:
And by the moon the reaper weary,
Piling sheaves in uplands airy,
Listening, whispers " 'Tis the fairy
Lady of Shallot."

Part II

There she weaves by night and day
A magic web with colours gay.
She has heard a whisper say,
A curse is on her if she stay
To look down to Camelot.
She knows not what the curse may be,
And so she weaveth steadily,
And little other care hath she,
The Lady of Shallot.

And moving thro' a mirror clear
That hangs before her all the year,
Shadows of the world appear.
There she sees the highway near
Winding down to Camelot:
There the river eddy whirls,
And there the surly village-churls,
And the red cloaks of market girls,
Pass onward from Shallot.

Sometimes a troop of damsels glad,
An abbot on an ambling pad,
Sometimes a curly shepherd-lad,
Or long-hair'd page in crimson clad,
Goes by to tower'd Camelot;
And sometimes thro' the mirror blue
The knights come riding two and two:
She hath no loyal knight and true,
The Lady of Shallot.

But in her web she still delights
To weave the mirror's magic sights,
For often thro' the silent nights
A funeral, with plumes and lights
And music, went to Camelot:
Or when the moon was overhead,
Came two young lovers lately wed:
"I am half sick of shadows," said
The Lady of Shallot.

Part III

A bow-shot from her bower-eaves,
He rode between the barley-sheaves,
The sun came dazzling thro' the leaves,
And flamed upon the brazen greaves
Of bold Sir Lancelot.
A red-cross knight for ever kneel'd
To a lady in his shield,
That sparkled on the yellow field,
Beside remote Shallot.

The gemmy bridle glitter'd free,
Like to some branch of stars we see
Hung in the golden Galaxy.
The bridle bells rang merrily
As he rode down to Camelot:
And from his blazon'd baldric slung
A mighty silver bugle hung,
And as he rode his armour rung,
Beside remote Shallot.

All in the blue unclouded weather
Thick-jewell'd shone the saddle-leather,
The helmet and the helmet-feather
Burn'd like one burning flame together,
As he rode down to Camelot.
As often thro' the purple night,
Below the starry clusters bright,
Some bearded meteor, trailing light,
Moves over still Shallot.

His broad clear brow in sunlight glow'd;
On burnish'd hooves his war-horse trode;
From underneath his helmet flow'd
His coal-black curls as on he rode,
As he rode down to Camelot.
From the bank and from the river
He flash'd into the crystal mirror,
"Tirra lirra," by the river
Sang Sir Lancelot.

She left the web, she left the loom,
She made three paces thro' the room,
She saw the water-lily bloom,
She saw the helmet and the plume,
She look'd down to Camelot.
Out flew the web and floated wide;
The mirror crack'd from side to side;
"The curse is come upon me," cried
The Lady of Shallot.

Part IV

In the stormy east-wind straining,
The pale yellow woods were waning,
The broad stream in his banks complaining,
Heavily the low sky raining
Over tower'd Camelot;
Down she came and found a boat
Beneath a willow left afloat,
And round about the prow she wrote
The Lady of Shallot.

And down the river's dim expanse
Like some bold seer in a trance,
Seeing all his own mischance--
With a glassy countenance
Did she look to Camelot.
And at the closing of the day
She loosed the chain, and down she lay;
The broad stream bore her far away,
The Lady of Shallot.

Lying, robed in snowy white
That loosely flew to left and right--
The leaves upon her falling light--
Thro' the noises of the night
She floated down to Camelot:
And as the boat-head wound along
The willowy hills and fields among,
They heard her singing her last song,
The Lady of Shallot.

Heard a carol, mournful, holy,
Chanted loudly, chanted lowly,
Till her blood was frozen slowly,
And her eyes were darken'd wholly,
Turn'd to tower'd Camelot.
For ere she reach'd upon the tide
The first house by the water-side,
Singing in her song she died,
The Lady of Shallot.

Under tower and balcony,
By garden-wall and gallery,
A gleaming shape she floated by,
Dead-pale between the houses high,
Silent into Camelot.
Out upon the wharfs they came,
Knight and burgher, lord and dame,
And round the prow they read her name,
The Lady of Shallot.

Who is this? and what is here?
And in the lighted palace near
Died the sound of royal cheer;
And they cross'd themselves for fear,
All the knights at Camelot:
But Lancelot mused a little space;
He said, "She has a lovely face;
God in his mercy lend her grace,
The Lady of Shallot."

Until I can upload pics, this is just a quick synopsis of what I have done.

Arrived Friday - went to dinner with Jeanine and Sal to Dashi restaurant in the Caravelle Arcade. Had oysters, soup and sashimi and white wine. Superb!
Saturday -
Sunday - went to Buck Island. Took dramamine as the water was bobbing the boat pretty badly on the way there. After anchoring, the aquamarine waters were still. We ate and drank, although I drank Coke after that first glass of champagne.
Monday - Went with Sal to do his errands. 5 hours just at the Department of Revenue. What a mess they have with accounting. Tony got back from Tortola and his racing boat; got 3rd place. Had a run-in with some drunk who broke a beer bottle across his eyes, breaking his glasses and gashing open his eyebrow area...got 18 stitches. Has black and blue eyes now. Went to his new boat, the motor one. Pretty nice. Watched the seaplanes.
Tuesday - Went with Ellen to Fredericksted and ate at Polly's. Then drove the beach road up the northwest area until it ended. Found sea fans, shells. Rocky beach, sandy beach. Stopped at Rhythms at Rainbow Beach and had a Pina Colada. Then went to the southeast area to look for the not there flamingos. We did see other birds and iguanas and a very nice beach. Went to a wine tasting party. 1 sparkling wine from Washington and 3 reds from California. Each one accompanied by a mini meal.
Wednesday - went to the Agricultural Center's fair. Got to chat with women at each table, learning of the individual plants, flowers, fruits, herbs. Miss Gloria was awesome, so was the Rasta woman and all she made. Got to chat with her about babies. The beekeeper as well. Trying to make some friends. Stopped at St Joseph's High to take a pic or 2. Homeless guy sleeping on the church's steps. Stopped at St George's Botanical Garden just to check out the gift shop for some Christmas shopping. Picked up Chris at the airport. He is the fireworks guy. Took him to the hotel. Went to Tony and Ellen's place for dinner with Jeanine and Sal.
Thursday - went with Miss Veronica to the rain forest and hiked up river. Got coconuts cut and drank water, brought another to Jeanine. Also got her some Gatorade. Went to Tony's boat but no longer needed help. Back to Sal's, picked him up and took him to the boat parade meeting where we ate with Tony and Ellen, then to the marina, checked out some boats then went into the restaurant and had dessert.

THE CALL OF THE CAMINO

The road goes ever on and on,
Down from the door where it began,
Now far ahead the road has gone
And I must follow if I can.
Pursuing it with weary feet,
Until it meets some larger way,
Where many paths and errands meet,
And wither then? I cannot say.
-Tolkien: Lord of the Rings.

Midwifing encompasses so many emotional experiences. Grief is one that many people would not really consider when entering the profession. Yes you know it can happen but when it is there in front of you waiting for you to act it brings up the many facets of being human.

When mama Denise and her husband were faced with carrying a baby who would have multiple problems at birth, meaning many surgeries with poor survival rates and questionable quality of life, they made the painful decision to allow their precious daughter to die peacefully after her birth.

As her midwife I took on the role of providing education, possibilities; of being a sounding board when she had information to share as well as for the feelings all this brought up for her. Knowing what I knew, in my heart I felt I knew what would be the best for her baby but would never tell her that since it was not my decision to make. I would support her regardless of what she needed to do. It is part of being a midwife, no matter what. I could never tell someone what to do but rather allow them to process what information they have so as to make a well-informed decision that felt right to them.

I saw her for her prenatal visits throughout the pregnancy. I remember her wishing she could still have her baby at the Cottage (she knew she did not want to birth at home) and I told her I would look into it. Not being sure where in our "rules" I would find such information, I was prepared to do everything possible to grant her wish. But she then decided against it. In her sweet voice that she has she told me she did not think a baby should die in that house, the Birth Cottage. That it is possible people in the community would hear about a death without knowing what it was all about and she just did not want that to happen. I was ok with that as well. I had not thought of that myself. I called Donna, a midwife who works at the hosptial and after talking with her back up the plan was put in place. We would have a hospital delivery.

The time came for Becca's birth. Denise called me to meet her at the hospital. After some frustrating issues with the admissions people we finally got a room and settled in. Donna had said that this was for us to do together but that she had to be present for the birth per hospital requirements. We were very fine with that of course. The labor was gentle, Denise being a quiet warrior. When it was time for the birth, she moved onto the bed.

Denise gently birthed her daughter into my hands and I placed Becca onto her mama's chest. It was quiet and sweet and loving. Denise sang to Becca at one point. I fought back more tears as I slipped into my roles, back and forth, midwife, mother, sister, human, to midwife again. Oh, what a moment, life and death within a short time.

I felt their moment was very sacred and decided to step outside. I came back in later, after being asked by Donna or(I can't remember who exactly) a nurse if I had a time of death. I was unsure if she had passed, so I said I would check on the baby. Her family was standing all around the bed, cutie pie River meeting her sister, someone was crying. With an infant stethoscope that I took from the radiant warmer and with permission from Denise, I placed the bell which I had warmed with my own body heat on Becca's chest and listened. I could not hear anything. I listened on several areas and there were no sounds from the chest at all. Becca did have a vagal movement (I think that is what they call it at the hospital) but soon after there were no movements at all. Denise looked wide-eyed at me asking with her gaze and I quietly shook my head, no. She seemed unsure, and I guess it was because Becca passed on so peacefully and because of those movements Denise had not known there was no longer a heartbeat.

After she openly grieved and was ready to move on, she asked that the baby be bathed and Becca was taken to a room at the other end of the Labor and Delivery area. After some time I decided to get down there and see what was taking so long. Becca was laying on a warmer, her skin so cold. But she was beautiful. I teared up as I saw her there, I felt she was lonely, so I wrapped her in the blankets they had under her and I held her. I rocked her. She had already been bathed and the nurses were putting some items in a small box, including pictures they took, but I just did not want her there all alone. I was pretty upset and the nurses were very kind. I finally took her back to her mama after telling the nurses her mama wanted her back.

Denise wanted to see the whole of her. I warned her that she will feel cold. Denise nodded ok. She touched her and crooned to her and told her she was beautiful. It was so moving; a mama who so LOVEd on her daughter. After some time, she was ready to let her go. Their initial goodbyes were done for now.

Denise was never checked after the birth; not even a blood pressure was done in all the time she was there. I checked her uterus, her bleeding had been even less than normal and Denise was ready to go home. We were all there only a few hours total.

Today, mama Denise published her story. She told me that when Becca died she did not find very much, stories from other parents who had gone through this experience and felt strongly that her story should be told and available to others who would want to know they were not alone. At 38 weeks pregnant with daughter number 3 now, she told her story. She was waiting for this, so that she could now be emotionally ready to receive Lizzie.

I told Layla many months ago that I would like to be there for this birth. I am pretty sure Denise would want that, although I am sure she would be fine with Layla as well. I just felt that a strong emotional connection was made with Becca's pregnancy and birth and hoped to still be a part of Denise's life. You know, not just clients get attached to their midwifes; midwifes also get attached to their clients. Hard to sever that bond after sharing such intimate moments. I am not just a midwife, but also a mother, sister, a human. <3

Here is the link to Denise's and Becca's birth:
http://rememberingbecca.blogspot.com/2011/09/beccas-story.html?showComment=1316490534325#c1022416302478572728

If you know of anyone who may need to read someone else's experience, please share. I am hoping that this story will be published in some site that deals primarily with these pregnancies and births.

I don't like going to work on Thursdays. It is only Desiree and I. For some reason, we get very little done. It takes a lot for me to get going and with the incessant chatter between us, my mind never settles on any one project. I then suddenly jump into one of the many things that need to get done and when finished, it is a great sense of having accomplished something. I would like that to be more my habit than not. I shall work on that.

A client whom I adore might not be able to deliver with us. I hope this baby turns head down. I hope her contractions stop now. I hope she is not in preterm labor.

I need to find my health records. A very important anniversary is coming up.

A storm approaches, fleeting, but it sure felt wonderful.

I LOVE being outside as a storm approaches. The cicadas become quiet, replaced by the sounds of leaves blowing side to side, gentle rumblings of thunder, far away. The sky becomes darker, the colors vivid. The smell of faraway rain, wet ground. The air, warm, circling through the trees and down to me, my hair blowing. Sensuous storm, enveloping me, thank you.

Do I really want MOG? I am restraining myself from my impulsiveness to get into something I may not really need. I may want it, but not need it. I sure LOVE technology, though.

Melinda is now in Ft Walton Beach, housesitting. I am looking forward to having her stay here before she goes to Spain to housesit there.

My first class of Yoga was today. My wrists are feeling it. They are not very strong and with all this extra weight, well, they're really feeling it. The teacher, whose name I don't know yet, is very good. I really like her style. Gentle words, well explained. Opening the heart.

Brother Sal is leaving tomorrow for another of his many cruises. Guess I will have a respite from his nightly phone calls. LOVE him ;)

Panty Hoarder?

Well, it's not really my fault. It's my ex-husband's.

Mariano could not help himself. There was one thing he so enjoyed and that was to gift me panties. I would go to bed and as my hand slipped under my pillow there would be something there, soft or lacey or satiny. Or I would head to bed and there it was, nicely laid out on the pillow.

It there was a bra with it, he would carefully present it on the bed, with maybe a rose next to it. They would be in my purse, in the metal box of the steps at the Birth Cottage, on the seat of my car, hanging on the towel rack so that as I grabbed my towel after showering, it would be there.

Trying to remember now all the places he would leave them. hmmm. There were many and always a sweet surprise. Often they would have a little note with it. I will withhold what some of those said. Sometimes he would phone me to let me know he had something for me and no doubt, it would be panties. He just couldn't wait to give them to me.

So.... over the years, and because panties do not wear down that quickly, and especially since I had so many of them, I had to start bagging them and put them in the closet, for my drawer could not hold but maybe 50 at a time. I even had a Tupperware bin on the top shelf in my closet overflowing with them.

There were many sizes. Mostly because he had some idea what size my butt was, but did not always guess correctly. Besides, my butt size changed many times over the many years we were together. So I also had them stored by size (of course those were the too small ones in hope someday I would fit into them). I remember ones he bought that would fit an elephant but they were sooooo sexy. Baby blue lacy thong it was. Never wore that one.

Eventually I decided that with the hundreds that I had I should get rid of some. All the small ones, which still had tags, I gave to my daughter. She liked them.

The way too large ones I simply threw away. I could not offer them to anyone. But the one thing I did do....hahahha... was to decide and did wear the older ones or the ones I did not like as much, once, and then throw them away. I did this for a little over 3 months. For real!!
And yeah, they were typically sexy. Some were a little conservative, but I assure you there were no granny panties in that drawer. Flowery, white, black, purple, see-through, solid, encompassing my buttocks, or up my buttocks' crack. Comfy and some not so comfy.
His line was usually the same.... "I want to take those off of you". One thing about him...he was very in lust with me.

I don't recall ever buying myself any underwear while we were together. The other day I bought 6 pairs, although I did not really need them, because I liked the pattern and style. Yeah, panty styles have changed over the years. I have some cute ones now along with all those sexy ones.
Well now I am down to a manageable amount. I did not count them, but they are stuffed into that drawer.

I wonder how long before I will be down to what I guess would be a normal amount, say 30???

Saturday

Saturdays are those days where I don't know what to do. I am on call, so that narrows things down to a geographical area.

Thanks to my client, Jenny, who gave me a gift certificate for a massage, I feel very relaxed from the get-go. My appointment was at 915am which did require an early start. Not what one would expect to have to do on a day where one can sleep in. But my sleep had already been broken up as my phone went off during the night with a text from my friend Siegfried in Germany, thanking me for a card and photos I sent. I guess he forgets we are 6 hours apart??
Anyway, thanks so much Jess for a strong massage. I do enjoy relaxing massages but my lower back has been giving me a bit of a fit lately (normal midwifery aches) and I needed that firmness. Her office has a quiet elegance and she tells me how she found all her furnishings and decorated it herself. Jess is looking for an adventure and I told her about the Camino; I think she's interested. Nothing like it, Jess.

So I left much more limber and as I had to drive through downtown, I saw the farmer's market in action and decided to stop. But first what caught my eye is part of the Park Avenue parks, one specifically that has those oaks that I have come to LOVE so much about Tallahassee. I parked and sat on the grass for a moment until there was no one left and took advantage of that quietness and took a few pictures. The bench at the base of one of the trees makes me imagine an elderly couple sitting there which would have made the moment even better. But it was LOVEly anyway. When a mini-van full of kids rode up and they all got out, that moment was finished.

I went to the Farmer's Market and strolled through all the stands. There is less "farmer" and more artists at this market selling their wares. Since I have made a decision to lighten my load, I admired but did not buy anything. Sometimes that is difficult, especially since I tend to be a little impulsive and yeah, there were mermaids there!! I did pick up some veggies. Which, in the long run, were more expensive than shopping at my local Publix.

Oh well, it added to the moment. And as is common in Tallahassee, I first stopped at the booth of one of my mamas, who makes pretty jewelry. She had given Layla and me a bracelet when her baby was born, as a thank you gift and today her wares were even more beautiful as the years helped her hone her skills. She showed me pictures of Sevin, who is now 10 and beautiful. While standing there, I got a little pinch, turned around and there was papa Dean who called mama Blair and baby Hannah to say hello. I had just seen Blair and Hannah yesterday at the Cottage when she came in to buy a Maya baby sling and I showed her how to use it, but here we were together again. And another moment later, I see my next mama who is due, Sarah and her big, round belly, with her 2 boys and my niece, Desiree. We laughed at running into each other there. Ya, that is Tallahassee.
I hardly go out anymore and this was a small reminder that I should get out more often?

Uh yeah, whatever.

Comments that make me nod, grin...to which I cannot respond

"We love you so much but this time....
You have been a part of our family but this time....
We think you're all great, but this time....
I hope you're ok with this, but this time...
etc."

So, do you feel better now that you told me that? Because I sure as hell don't!

Sensuous Monday

Monday is my "day off". When I think of a free Monday, I think of all the business-type stuff that needs to be done. But lately I have become a bit blech about all the things I should be doing so instead, I am doing as little as possible. The backyard beckons. I put on a bikini (no pictures of that, ok? eck), and head downstairs.
Then I realize that I could enjoy taking care of some chores in the yard along with the enjoyment of the water. I grab some clippers and dead-head a bunch of flowers.

I water all the plants that are just suffering in this heat (!) and then the veggie garden. I grab the one tomato that made it so far (and it does not look so good; will probably use it in a sauce) and head back to the pool.

Even though the water is at the just-right temperature, I still inch my body into it as my skin gets accustomed to the chilliness of it. Hehe, my foot hits the slope and there was no more inching..a sudden slip right into the water and all is well. I dive under, swim to the other end and grab the float. Time to grab some sun. I float for a while and I can see all around the pool that there are things that really need to be done. I cannot just keep putting things off. I got the loppers, the big clippers and clean out one whole side of the pool which had been cut off from the overgrowth. Now we can walk along that side without being attacked by the branches, which may have teased us enough to lose out balance and end up in the water! What was nice about doing it then was that although it was 100 degrees, my body was cool from having been in the water. Made it totally bearable.

Well, that made me warm enough to dive back into the water! While in the water, I can see dozens of dragonflies buzzing around, some look like they're fighting or possibly trying to court each other; there were 2 who were flying while hooked up. Pretty cool little trick!
Then one of them lands on my toe and hangs there for a while. Since I was going into and out of the water, this time I decided to play with the dragonfly and stuck my finger straight up and the same dragonfly would come to it. I would float up and down the length of the pool while it stayed on my finger. It would take off when another would come too close and chase it off and then come back to my finger. I think I made a friend! While I sat by the side of the pool, it stayed on my toe the whole time. I think I need to name him. Drake....the dragonfly!

All this time, Pandora is playing on one of my favorite stations....totally sensuous music which, as it plays and I am in the pool, makes me move slowly, sensuously as well, enjoying the feel of the water, diving in and out and moving my legs like a mermaid would, coming up for air and going back down. I did this for a long time. I am a mermaid!! I LOVE looking up as I float without assistance, my ears under the water but still hearing the beat of the music. Is this like a sensory tank? I wonder how they feel. But as I am there I look straight up at the sky, with its intense blueness and puffed with clouds and just think that if only life could be forever!!

I go upstairs and make my most favorite sandwich in the whole wide world...a very simple one: French bread drizzled with extra virgin olive oil, avocado slices, thin salted tomato slices (must have salt) and feta cheese. The juiciest strawberries I have had in years adorned the plate and ended my meal with chocolate covered cherries. Totally sensuous lunch!

I sat next to this little birdbath while I removed the weeds that popped through, put water in it for the birds. As I pulled on those weeds I felt like I was in a state of meditation which put me so at peace. Despite all the things I have to do, all the feelings that have come up lately with my work, my kids, my home, my personal life.... I was very at peace.

Maybe it's the way he sits there, holding that little bird that added to the moment.

I looked at one of the millions of pine needles around me and saw its beauty as it laid there ready to return to the earth.

****************
Once again I dipped into the pool, the day was ending, and realized today was the last day of spring. The sun has come and tomorrow it leaves me once again, to head back south. When I looked up at that moment the sun was behind a cloud....it was a perfectly circular cloud with the sun smack in the middle of it. The edges of the cloud were sooo white against the blue sky and the middle so dark...reminding me of its act... heading us back to the dark of winter. I flew out of the pool to get my camera but missed that perfect ball of a cloud.

I knew then it was time to go inside.

My (ongoing) list of places I want to see

My (ONGOING) LIST OF PLACES I AM GOING TO SEE

Autumn in New England

Car trip to the northwest … Yellowstone and other national Parks

Car trip in Colorado, Arizona, New Mexico

Alaska

Mexico

Costa Rica

Peru…..Machu Pichu

Brasil

Bolivia

Argentina…Buenos Aires, Iguazu Falls

Canada road trip?

Greece, Malta, Crete

Italy, Switzerland, Austria

Croatia

Russia…. Moscow and St Petersburg

UK

Turkey Egypt Israel Iran

African Safari


Abu Dhabi and Dubai, Oman, Bahrain, Qatar
India

Burma, Nepal, Bhutan, Tibet

Thailand, Malaysia

China

Japan

Australia, New Zealand, Tasmania

Bali, Fiji,

Cuba, Jamaica

DID I LEAVE ANY OUT???

Can’t Believe It’s Not Meatloaf

Raw Recipe that sounds Delicious....I want to try it
by Lillian Sanpere Tarragona on Monday, January 24, 2011 at 3:45pm

From the Raw Recipe a Day site:
Can’t Believe It’s Not Meatloaf

• 2 cups walnuts
• 1 red pepper
• ½ cup sweet onion, minced
• ½ cup celery, minced
• 1 tomato
• 2 cloves of garlic
• 1 tsp onion
• Dash of oregano
• ½ tsp of miso
• Salt and pepper to taste

Directions:
Add all the above ingredients to a food processor, pulse chop until evenly distributed. Place meatloaf on a platter and shape into a loaf and serve.

*Note: This actually looks like real meat loaf and is absolutely delicious!

Winners and Losers - 33 differences

by Lillian Sanpere Tarragona on Sunday, July 4, 2010 at 10:55am

Striking Differences Between Winners and Losers

1 Winners focus on solutions. Losers focus on problems.
2 Winners take responsibility. Losers blame others.
3 Winners find opportunities in crisis. Losers complain about crisis.
4 Winners enjoy being in the present and learn from the past. Losers live in the past.
5 Winners make commitment and keep them no matter what. Losers make promises that they always break.
6 Winners think about how they can achieve. Losers give excuses.
7 Winners make personal development a priority. Losers neglect personal development.
8 Winners face their fear, accept it and take the leap. Losers dwell in their fear.
9 Winners constantly expand their comfort zone. Losers stay in their comfort zone.
10 Winners take action consistently. Losers refrain from taking action and lack consistency.
11 Winners take failure in their stride and learn from them. Losers fear failure and avoid them at all cost.
12 Winners try different strategies when they are not getting the results they want. Losers do the same thing over and over again expecting different results.
13 Winners set goals. Losers lack goals.
14 Winners plan. Losers hate having a plan.
15 Winners believe there are always things to be learn. Losers consider themselves as an expert even though they know little.
16 Winners are humble. Losers are egoistic.
17 Winners continue to hone their skill every other day without fail. Losers make little effort in honing their skill.
18 Winners work hard. Losers avoid work.
19 Winners give their best for the things that they decide to do. Losers work half heartedly in everything that they do.
20 Winners are persistent and will do whatever it takes (ethical means) to achieve their goal. Losers give up when obstacles pop up.
21 Winners manage their time well and indulge in high value activities that will bring them closer to their goals. Losers lack time management skills and indulge in time wasting activities like playing games and watching re runs for the umpteen time.
22 Winners dream in the day. Losers dream in bed.
23 Winners think about possibilities. Losers focus on obstacles that will stop them from achieving.
24 Winners are certain. Losers doubt.
25 Winners control their own destiny. Losers leave everything to their fate.
26 Winners give more than they take. Losers take more than they give.
27 Winners think whether the crowd is going in the right direction. If not, he will walk the other direction. Losers follow the crowd.
28 Winners think and lead. Losers refuse to think so they follow.
29 Winners listen. Losers fight for every chance to talk.
30 Winners always find a better way to do things. Losers stick to one way of doing things.
31 Winners spend money in seminars and classes to improve themselves. Losers think that spending money on seminars and classes is a waste of money and they prefer to buy toys that gives them instant gratification.
32 Winners help others to win. Losers refuse to help and think only about their own benefit.
33 Winners find like minded people like themselves that can bring them to greater height. Losers find like minded people like themselves that will drag them to failure.
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Maria Allen Cranford and Laney McLean like this.

When I think of Bali...

When I think of Bali...
by Lillian Sanpere Tarragona on Thursday, May 6, 2010 at 11:15pm

....I think of this idyllic place where I want to live, on the beach, in a hut, with beauty all around me. But there are other realities. As a midwife I read this and yearn for a different experience in Bali. One of joining a midwife like Robin and helping make a difference for these poor women. Read how it is for some families who, because they have no money, cannot bring their babies home from the hospital or whose newborns just disappear. So sad.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/journalismcompetition/no-money-no-baby

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Laura Gilkey Beautiful words, Lillian. We'll make sure you get to screen Guerrilla Midwife up there soon and share your feelings with your community...it's a powerful film.

May 6, 2010 at 11:17pm · Like

Halloween Joke

Halloween Joke - yeah one day late - Thanks Karen
by Lillian Sanpere Tarragona on Sunday, November 1, 2009 at 9:13am

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk man was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"
The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost."
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Seared Scallops with Pumpkin Soup

Soup Recipe from my Google Reader mate, A Natural Nester
by Lillian Sanpere Tarragona on Saturday, November 28, 2009 at 8:57am

Seared Scallops with Pumpkin Soup
12 oz. fresh sea scallops
1 can (15 oz) unflavored pumpkin puree
2 T roughly chopped hazelnuts
1-10 chives, chopped
1 cup chicken broth
1 T honey
1 T unsalted butter
1/2 T extra-virgin olive oil

- Toast & chop the hazelnuts (10 min @ 400 degrees or 5-7 min over medium heat); set aside.
- Combine the pumpkin, honey, butter and broth (I used more than 1 cup to reach desired consistency) in a medium sauce pan and heat on low until completely warmed. Season with salt & pepper and keep warm.
- Preheat a cast-iron skillet or saute pan over medium-high heat. Pat the scallops dry with a paper towel and season them with salt & pepper. Add the oil to the pan, and then the scallops. Cook 2-3 min. on each side until they are firm and completely brown & caramelized.
- Pour the soup into a wide rimmed bowl. Add the scallops and hazelnuts, and garnish with the chopped chives. Makes 2 servings.

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Dave Smith Oh, that sounds wonderful.
November 28, 2009 at 9:05am · Like

Vitamin D needs

Calculator for Sun Exposure for Vitamin D needs
by Lillian Sanpere Tarragona on Saturday, December 26, 2009 at 12:52am

http://nadir.nilu.no/~olaeng/fastrt/VitD-ez_quartMED.html

Based on my skin type, in Tallahassee at midday on the 26th of December with scattered clouds, I need 28 minutes of sun exposure every other day to obtain optimum Vitamin D levels.
Pretty cool.
There is a lot of information available now regarding Vitamin D needs. Google it. Dr Mercola has great articles on it and is a great proponent of sun exposure...... the natural way.

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Maria Allen Cranford and Vikki Earley like this.

Interesting data about birth and c-secs in FLorida.

Interesting data about birth and c-secs in FLorida.
by Lillian Sanpere Tarragona on Monday, February 8, 2010 at 11:08pm

If you have a little time to spend reading, check this out.

http://www.floridahealthfinder.gov/researchers/documents/cesarean2006.pdf

THe data is from 2006 and no doubt the rates of c-sections have gone up since then, but you can see the trend from 1996 to the publishing of the document. More and more sections!!
Interesting the price of birth, or as they say,the business of being born. And the prices are hospital only, it does not include the cost of the doctors, anestheseologists, pediatricians.
Private insurance folks have the highest c-sec rates.
Leon County is not too bad compared to other parts of the state, namely South Florida.
Hispanics are buying into the c-sec spin.
A teaching hospital (where you would probably see the high-risk folks) has the lowest c-sec rates.
And on and on.
Interesting.
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JeffreyandMaureen Ott likes this.

Katie Summerlin More than a third of all births in Florida are via C-section now! Whew! And here I thought that babies came out all by themselves!
February 9, 2010 at 8:00am via Facebook Mobile · Like

Laura Young We just learned about this in my Human Development class. It's ridiculous!
February 9, 2010 at 12:50pm · Like

For all those who nurse in public.....

For all those who nurse in public.....
by Lillian Sanpere Tarragona on Thursday, February 18, 2010 at 11:27pm

I do not know who wrote this but it is cute.....

Dr. Seuss for Nursing Moms

Would you nurse her in the park?
Would you nurse him in the dark?
Would you nurse him with a Boppy?
And when your boobs are feeling floppy?

I would nurse him in the park,
I would nurse her in the dark.
I’d nurse with or without a Boppy.
Floppy boobs will never stop me.

Can you nurse with your seat belt on?
Can you nurse from dusk till dawn?
Though she may pinch me, bite me, pull,
I will nurse her `till she’s full!

Can you nurse and make some soup?
Can you nurse and feed the group?
It makes her healthy strong and smart,
Mommy’s milk is the best start!

Would you nurse him at the game?
Would you nurse her in the rain?
In front of those who dare complain?
I would nurse him at the game.
I would nurse her in the rain.

As for those who protest lactation,
I have the perfect explanation.
Mommy’s milk is tailor made
It’s the perfect food, you need no aid.

Some may scoff and some may wriggle,
Avert their eyes or even giggle.
To those who can be cruel and rude,
Remind them breast’s the perfect food!

I would never scoff or giggle,
Roll my eyes or even wiggle!
I would not be so crass or crude,
I KNOW that this milk’s the perfect food!

We make the amount we need
The perfect temp for every feed.
There’s no compare to milk from breast-
The perfect food, above the rest.

Those sweet nursing smiles are oh so sweet,
Mommy’s milk is such a treat.
Human milk just can’t be beat.

I will nurse, in any case,
On the street or in your face.
I will not let my baby cry,
I’ll meet her needs, I’ll always try.
It’s not about what’s good for you,
It’s best for babies, through and through.

I will nurse her in my home,
I will nurse her when I roam.
Leave me be lads and ma’am.
I will nurse her, Mom I am.

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Lindsey Morrow, Rebecca Harris and 2 others like this.
Christy Collins I LOVE THAT Alice! ♥
February 18, 2010 at 11:38pm via Facebook Mobile · Like

Jeanne Madrid sweet
February 18, 2010 at 11:58pm · Like

Charisma Davies I'm getting a lot fewer looks of mortification this time around than I did with the older ones. I'm proud of Tallahassee :o)
February 19, 2010 at 8:07am · Like

Margo Flippo Penton Not sure why I have tears streaming down my face.
February 19, 2010 at 9:26am · Like

Debby Babb I nursed all my babies in public..discreetly..never ever in a bathroom, yuck
February 19, 2010 at 9:58am · Like

Tanashia Roberts Huff Beautiful!
February 19, 2010 at 10:24am · Like

Margo Flippo Penton Did anyone notice that the "nursing room" at the Governor Sq Mall is just a large bathroom with a chair in the corner? It also happens to be where most people go when they have to poop at the mall. GROSS! I'll nurse in the food court, where everyone else gets to eat, thank you!
February 19, 2010 at 2:02pm · Like

Lillian Sanpere Tarragona Mid 1970s I fed Kristopher in the bathroom at a restaurant and I will always remember this one woman's disapproving look, even in there. I left and decided never again. I do not care where..... I will nurse him in my home, I will nurse him where I roam!!! Growl!!!!!
February 19, 2010 at 2:41pm · Like

Margo Flippo Penton I will say, I have nursed my children while on the potty at my house lots of times. Sometimes they just won't wait until Mama is finished. :)
February 19, 2010 at 2:45pm via · Like

Debby Babb We lived at the Comanche dock when my 1st child was born and while eating dinner at Comanche one night I went to the bathroom and there perched on the counter,resting against the mirror was a woman nursing her new baby.She apologized and quickly stopped feeding and hopped down..it was so bloody hot in there and no ventilation...I vowed right then never to putmyself or my child in that situation.
February 19, 2010 at 2:49pm · Like

Cecilia Ann Mitchell I didn't nurse in the bathroom, and I didn't give much thought to being discreet either. In fact, I don't think we should even try to be discreet. It's not like breastfeeding is something to be ashamed of! I feel strongly enough about this topic that I devoted a whole section of my website to it. ;-) http://birthyourwayjax.com/public.htm
February 19, 2010 at 4:10pm · Like

Lillian Sanpere Tarragona Big difference to how things were in the 70s when NO ONE nursed (well it seems like almost no one.... the rest were hiding). Many of my patients still want to hide or be discreet... no matter how hard I try to change their ways. They will get it after a while I'm sure.
February 19, 2010 at 4:38pm · Like

Selma Faucher we breast fed each others babies, thats how much things have changed.
February 19, 2010 at 10:23pm · Like

Lillian Sanpere Tarragona So true, Selma, we all did that. My kids have what we call in Spanish, milk brothers/sisters. (Hermanos de leche)
Some years ago I transferred a patient to the hospital and my assistant who was my patient's friend went up with us. She had ...See More
February 19, 2010 at 10:47pm · Like

Renee Early milk siblings.. I LOVE that idea! I nurse her any where, grocery shopping, church, restaurants.... doesn't matter to me I actually get a lot of women telling me they're proud of me for being so confident to nurse her. :)
February 20, 2010 at 7:13pm · Like

Lisa Cantrell I nursed Rich for 3 1/2 years and never hid. My mother in law didn't really like my nursing him at the table but if her meal was served when he was hungry it was a given it would happen. I wore him in a sling until he was walking and peop...See More
February 21, 2010 at 8:30am · Like

Lillian Sanpere Tarragona Right on Lisa. I too nursed until they were 2 1/2 to 3 1/2. Each one having different needs. I loved it.
February 21, 2010 at 10:18am · Like

My Firstborn

My First-Born
by Lillian Sanpere Tarragona on Thursday, February 5, 2009 at 5:13pm

A different kind of survey for a change, it's all about your first born! Just copy and paste it in a new note for yourself!

1. WAS YOUR FIRST CHILD PLANNED?
No, it was just not prevented. We'll see what happens.

2. WERE YOU MARRIED AT THE TIME YOU GOT PREGNANT?
Yes

3. WHAT WERE YOUR REACTIONS?
Excited, the thought of having a baby was something that just popped into my life, and like all I do, I adjusted.

4. HOW LONG HAD YOU BEEN TRYING (IF PLANNED)?
Nah, not trying, besides we were newlyweds

5. HOW OLD WERE YOU?
19 when I got preggers and 20 when she was born

6. HOW DID YOU FIND OUT YOU WERE PREGNANT?
Ha!! In those days (oh my), you had to wait for 2 weeks after a missed period and take an early morning urine sample to the doctor, for the dead bunny test. I had dropped off my husband at work and had been holding it all morning. I had to go so badly, so I stopped off at a friend's house and I needed a container. All he had was a 7-UP bottle, you know the kind, with the little opening? Yeah, I am good, I filled that bottle half-way up (16 ounce bottle). You wonder if I got any on my hands, right?

7. WHO DID YOU TELL FIRST?
My husband, then my mama.

8. DID YOU WANT TO FIND OUT THE SEX?
Not much of an option in those days, unless I did amniocentesis. Instead I learned it was a girl with mom's little games. I sat on the spoon(girl).

9. DUE DATE?
September 24 and she was born 8 days later

10. DID YOU HAVE MORNING SICKNESS?
No, I did not have anything. I looked down and saw that belly and it's like wow, I am pregnant. Didn't need to once she started kicking around.

11. WHAT DID YOU CRAVE?
Nothing.

12. WHO/WHAT IRRITATED YOU THE MOST?
Nothing, I was one happy mama.

13. WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST CHILD'S SEX?
girl

14. DID YOU WISH YOU HAD THE OPPOSITE SEX OF WHAT YOU WERE GETTING?
No.

15. HOW MANY POUNDS DID YOU GAIN THROUGHOUT THE PREGNANCY?
about 24

16. DID YOU HAVE A BABY SHOWER?
yes, my mom and her friends did.

17. WAS IT A SURPRISE OR DID YOU KNOW?
Nope!

18. DID YOU HAVE ANY COMPLICATIONS DURING YOUR PREGNANCY?
None at all. Great pregnancy.

19. WHERE DID YOU GIVE BIRTH?
Mercy Hospital in Miami, same hospital where I was born.

20. HOW MANY HOURS WERE YOU IN LABOR?
about 15, like all of mine.

21. WHO DROVE YOU TO THE HOSPITAL?
Bill and my mom. We had to stop frequently so I could puke. UGH

22. WHO WATCHED YOU GIVE BIRTH?
Well, planned to have husband there, but since at the last push they were knocking me out they kicked him out. Stupid, very stupid.

23. WAS IT NATURAL OR C-SECTION?
Natural? Well, I saw her head coming through in the mirror up in the corner of the room. I was watching it and Helga the nurse covered my face and knocked me out!

24. DID YOU TAKE MEDICINE TO EASE THE PAIN?
No.

27. HOW MUCH DID YOUR CHILD WEIGH?
6lbs 6oz (hey, what happened to 25 and 26?

28. WHEN WAS YOUR CHILD ACTUALLY BORN ?
October 2nd. It was glorious. And for my mom, it was real cool; she had a grand-daughter and that afternoon she went to the swearing-in ceremony and became a US citizen.

30. WHAT DID YOU NAME HIM/HER?
Layla Marie.
I chose Layla, for that song was popular and I knew no one named Layla.
Marie was chosen by Bill for his grandmother.

31. HOW OLD IS YOUR FIRST BORN TODAY?
36 years old. Can you believe it?

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Nerea Llona likes this.

Melissa Kriger awww, this is so wonderful. Thanks for sharing :)
February 5, 2009 at 5:18pm · Like